Many leading pundits, in an odd but self-congratulating gesture, used the end of 2015 to look at how well their predictions for the year stood up when all was said and done.
Really, just about all was said and done by Dec. 31. Much of it by Republican Party front man and performance artist Donald Trump, who capped the year conjugating schlong (which remains outlawed in many red states and proposed for a ban in the 2012 GOP platform).
Trump saved a full-throated defense of aerosol hair spray for men, one of the great issues of modern times, in his final stump speech of the year. Make American comb-overs tough as plastic, erosion-proof and great again.
Many pundits, of course, failed big when it came to Trump’s campaign. They predicted the near-end of Trumpmania so many times that poor Jeb Bush actually believed some of the losers. The ones who saw Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker as a political juggernaut should lose their sinecures and be forced to clean Tim Pawlenty’s lumberjack shirts by hand.
I know I’ll be wrong plenty this year, so many times that I’d best get started and confess the errs of my future ways.
— I will be wrong in predicting House Speaker Paul Ryan will shave his beard. I never imagined part of his deal to take the crumby job but still go home weekends was so he could not only to see his young children, but perform with Wisconsin’s top ZZ Top karaoke tribute band.
— I will be wrong again when I predict the Monterey Peninsula would take the opening of the new In ‘N Out burger joint in Seaside in a sophisticated, understated way. I never guessed it would be accompanied by a blimp fleet, laser light show, massive traffic jams and Mayor Ralph Rubio’s unfortunate ribbon-cutting mishap.
— I’ll be red-faced when my bold prediction that Castroville, under the new effort to normalize relations with Cuba, will establish a sister-city bond with a community on the island nation. Seems I was wrong in thinking there’s a place called Castroburg near Havana. Monterey, meanwhile, will add six more sister cities.
— I’ll really have to eat my optimistic words that 2016 will be the year of miracle, when all parties in the gigantic fight over Monterey Peninsula water — including the steelhead — will find common bonds in their existential weariness. Under the peace deal I envisioned, all golf courses would be irrigated for 18 months by desalted tears of joy. But Cal Am’s filing for a rate increase with the CPUC on all tear-supplied waters doomed the fragile agreement.
— Crow will be served on my plate for my rash declaration that Congressman Sam Farr will rescind his retirement and seek another term to take up the cause of shocking abuse suffered by fleas in the American flea-circus industry. Internal polling swiftly shows the popularity of fleas among voters ranks just below bedbugs and slightly above drug-price gouger Martin Shkreli. Farr’s plan to celebrate his re-retirement with an old-fashioned bonfire on the Carmel beach ends in horrible chaos as police disperse the celebrants with perfume-scented pepper spray.
— I will be sadly mistaken by my inability to collect on a $20 wager for correctly predicting Donald Trump will win the GOP nomination in Cleveland this summer. The former reporter colleague with whom I made the bet moves out of the area, denies knowledge of the wager, says he can’t afford to pay because his cat needs a tummy tuck, and, finally, responds to all my pay-up messages with a blanket “Shut up, Larry” Just like the old days in the newsroom.
— With deep shame, I admit my vow to never shut up when there are good fights to fight and Trump hair jokes to make went awry when Monterey Bay Partisan Czar R. Calkins replaces me early in 2016 with the new “cranky geezer” app. The app spits out superior topical humor in mere seconds, while improving on the very old model — me — by spelling words corectly.